Yes, I AM Enough

I've recently noticed how little time I've been devoting to God. I've just become so busy and caught up in everything, and although I make a conscious effort to pray with my kids every night, I've been forgetting about the time with God that I need - for me.

This entire post began as a prayer in my journal. And it quickly turned into a general devotional, perhaps one that I'll need to look back on one day. It all started with Ann Voskamp's blog post, about being enough, because Jesus is enough.

Except, I don't feel like I'm getting enough Jesus. Because I feel like that post was written for someone - people, who are persistent in their prayer lives, dedicated more than I, but who still feel lacking. I just know that after reading that I felt two things; guilt and love. Guilty because, perhaps, I'm not where I feel I should be as a Christian or doing what I feel I should be doing. And love because it was so beautifully written and God-breathed that even in my moment of self consciousness and doubt, I still felt His love radiating from that screen. And when I followed up with a prayer-turned-devotional...well... He "fixed" me right up. Brought me back to where I should be.

Sometimes the commotion, busyness, and distractions of this life begin to smother that fire you have inside. Your fire for God. The fire starts to choke out, begins to stifle your breathing. And you get so focused on the smoke, the fog spreading before you like a flowing dam set free. Gushing. Your mind needs clearing, your mind goes to God. You remember to stay low, lower than the smoke, and you crawl your way back to the fire, to fan the gift God gave you - build it back up (2 Timothy 1:6). It will burn hot once again, flames licking the sky, smoke dying down.

Satan may be the sprinkle rain fighting our fire, but God is our match, our light, our torch. He is the beginning to our every fire that burns. He never goes out, our main resource in times of need and desperation. (Isaiah 10:17)

Jesus was the light of this world, who became our torch when He died at Calvary. We can very well kindle to the burning hunger of our own fires inside but we need to realize and prioritize this essential necessity as Christians. We are armoured against the choking smoke of Satan. But we can't just stand there doing nothing. It's our responsibility that we nurture our fire - our relationship with God - before we nurture anything else. We have to use the tools and gifts we were given to refine it. We are after all, all apart of God's army, Children of God, heirs to the Kingdom of Heaven. This is who we are. We fight Satan everyday. And everyday we win. We win! Thank goodness for God's infinite love, for His sovereign ever-burning torch - Jesus.    

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Ann Voskamp sure was right about one thing. Our King Jesus is enough. Everyday He is enough. He knows the number of hairs on our heads (Matthew 10:30), He has knitted us together (Psalm 139:12-13), and has known us before the beginning (Ephesians 1:4 & Jeremiah 1:5). Of course He understands us, our busy lives - He's given us that too! So even in my busyness, yes.

I am enough. 

Sadness in my head. Love in my heart: Verse of the Week

 

Yesterday, February 25th, in the early morning hours while at work, it began to snow. And it didn't stop. Big chunky, pretty, feathery flakes came quickly but peacefully.

Near 6:30 am a co-worker came in telling us she witnessed a fatal car accident less than an hour before. A family traveling from Alberta. A mother, a father, and a young child -- killed on impact. Another, a baby, less than a year old, airlifted to hospital.

My stomach was in instant knots and I felt sick. I wanted to be home immediately with my two little treasures, hugging them, holding them, loving them. And I wondered, what was the last thing they all said to each other? Were they on their way to see family? I can't even begin to imagine. I honestly don't even know how she still made it into work given the weather and witnessing what she had. I asked her probably 20 questions and started praying almost immediately for that family and that poor baby who is now without parents and a brother or sister. Alone in this big scary, mean world.

I also questioned God.

It's just so hard for us to comprehend His reasoning sometimes. Especially for things such as this. John 16:33 - we are told there will be suffering. But there is also the gift of free will. The opportunity to choose. Choose to do something good, something right, or to do something bad, wrong -- sinful.

And there will be love. No, not will be, there was -- there is love. God did not create evil. However, he did create the potential for evil. Because this (free will) was also the only way to create the potential for goodness and love amongst us. It was us who brought this evil into the world. Humankind. And I think its important that we remind ourselves of this. We are always so quick to blame God and get mad. But He also gave us love.

And real love always involves a choice. Love has the highest value in the universe.

I love how C.S. Lewis put it:

"Why then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having.

If we were all programmed like robots to say "I love you" it wouldn't actually be love, would it? My daughter's doll that says, "I love you, Mommy!" Does not actually love my daughter. C.S. Lewis goes on to say:

"Of course God knew what would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently, He thought it worth the risk."

This is one of my favourite quotes of his. This end of the quote also reminds me of Romans 8:28.

Let's just rejoice for a moment, in this moment of heartache, in knowing that it's not over -- it's not! Because sometime soon, we will be with Jesus and we will be with our loved ones once again, if we just ask Him to be our friend, our saviour, and know that he hung up there on that cross with us in mind. Can you imagine that day? Can you imagine the happiness, the joy? The smiling? God says there will be no more pain, no more sickness or tears. But I wonder, will there be tears of happiness?

I didn't actually plan on this post being a Verse of the Week post but, God works His ways, doesn't He? What other way to end this post but with a verse and a prayer? So here it is: Romans 8:18.

 

Dear Father in Heaven, I am grateful and honored that you would share this gift of love with us, the gift of free will, and the gift of eternal life with You in Heaven. Although our hearts may break for those in pain and suffering, you tell us to have courage and to seek you in times of need. Please provide this family with love and comfort and encouragement and may they seek you, Father, and find you during this horrible time in their lives. To you belongs all the glory forever, Amen.



Verse of the week

Last week's verse was 1 John 3:18. We are going to kick this week off with Joshua 24:15 .

A few years ago my home was without The Lord. My life was without The Lord. Now it's hard to even think about living a life without God. But a few years ago when I found my way back to Christ and he accepted me fully and whole heartedly into his loving arms, I began to pray daily for my family. That The Lord would help me to raise my children in a way that would bring Him glory and in such a way that they would always truly love and know their Father in Heaven. I asked for prayer for my husband too, that he would come to know Christ. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. And I questioned and worried and cried and then I prayed some more. Those days of being a wife to a non-Christian were tough. We got into some heated debates. But God is so good. Are you familiar with Philippians 4:6?

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

Mmm, yes. That. He answers prayers. I am proud and blessed and honored to say that my husband is now a Christian. He's not fully 100% there yet but he knows he is a Christian. He loves Jesus and thanks Him for all that we've got.

This doesn't stop me from praying for my family. I will continue to pray for as long as I have breath. (Psalm 116:2)

Dear Heavenly Father, You are a generous, loving and faithful God. We are all so blessed to be able to come to You with anything and everything, good or bad. Be with us this week and always as we find ways to serve you better and make you proud. I will serve you all the days of my life. Please help me instill the same love and appreciation for You in my children, those sweet, tender souls that You entrusted us with. Help me to help them love you to the fullest. Amen.   

The Birth of James

Finally. It only took me two months.

With Leah I was 40 weeks 3 days when she was born. That was nothing compared to being a week and 5 days over my due date with James. I think most people - myself included - expect that baby will come between 37 and 40 weeks. But definitely not 41 weeks! Well, let me tell you. Expect baby at 40 weeks, because that stretch of time between 37 and 41 weeks? Brutal. That's a whole month. A month of thinking "okay, any day now!" Needless to say, I never expected to ever be 41 +5 weeks pregnant. Definitely didn't think I would need to be induced. Especially considering I was dilated 3-4cm for over a week, and had 5 stretch and sweeps!
I apologize in advance for how long this may get, I'm really going to try to write every detail I can remember. Brace yourself....

Knowing the day your baby will be born is a crazy thing. It's scary, and the most nerve wrecking thing, ever. The anticipation is unlike anything else. On September 18, 2013 I went to bed at a reasonable time, preparing for an early rise. At 6:00 am. the alarm went off. I showered and got Leah up to start getting ready for school. I was supposed to meet my midwife at the hospital for 7:30, and Matt was just going to get Leah on the bus and come to the hospital after. But at 7:00 my midwife calls. She had just been up for over 24 hours at another birth an hour away. So she asked if I could meet her at the hospital for 11 instead, so she could get a couple hours sleep. Obviously I was okay with that - the poor woman. But seriously!? Another 4 hours I had to wait...


We were at the hospital for 11 and we were put in the triage room for our ultrasound to make sure the fluid levels and breathing all checked out. It did (yay!). My midwife, Esther, got there around 11:15 and she got us into a nice comfy room to start the induction. At 11:35am, she broke my water and gave me a quick stretch and told me to go walk around the hospital for a couple hours. We did some walking. My mom came for a short visit and joined us down in the cafeteria for some lunch, we did more walking. And contractions started coming. Five to six minutes apart, strong. I kept walking.



We got back to our room and told Esther the progress and she checked me, I was still 4cm. She told me that if I don't start progressing that oxytocin would be a good option to kick start things. I said no, that I really wanted to wait it out a bit longer. At 2:30, contractions were strong enough that I didn't want to leave my room. I paced the room, grabbed on to furniture, Matt. Then I got the birthing ball. That thing really works! What a difference I felt in intensity. I would say around 4:30 she checked me again and I was only 5-6cm. Esther said that if I did choose to get the oxytocin that it would speed things up and baby could be here in a couple hours, or I could keep going. I did not want to be stuck in a bed, unable to move and be restricted by a needle stuck in my hand. But I just felt like it was moving too slow for me, and I trusted my midwife. I continued for a little longer on my own, postponing the oxytocin for as long as I could. I got the oxytocin and saline drip at 5:30. Maybe a minute later, contractions doubled in intensity. Crazy intense, teeth baring, bed gripping contractions. Unlike any feeling in this world. Esther checked me shortly after and I was already at 9cm (woah!). She said there was a small amount of cervix covering the baby's head and that she could remove it with the next contraction. Well. Haha. The next contraction came as soon as I said ok. And just as it started I screamed "No, no! Get out! Get out!" There was no way I could do that intense of a contraction with her hand all up in there. Instead, I got on my hands and knees, which let me tell you, that far into labor is a battle all on its own. The second midwife walked in then. Hot flashes started and my sweet husband, doing all that he could do, got cold clothes and dripped them over the back of my neck (heaven). I also recall sneering at him and saying "STOP smiling!" (little did I know, he was just smiling at the midwife) which obviously only made him giggle more. Men.


Five minutes after I switched positions, at around 6:00pm, I got this intense, so intense pressure. The no-doubt-about-it-I-gotta-push kind of pressure. I flipped back over and both midwives were by my side, my feet on their hips, my hands wrapped around my husband's. Three contractions later, at 6:14pm my sweet James was out and on my chest. Warm and slippery. And then he pooped. And then he pooped again. Our amazingly big boy, weighing in at 9lbs 10oz (but I'm guessing he was closer to ten before those two poops).



My mom brought Leah around 8:00 to meet her new brother. She walked in and looked so nervous. I said "Remember how mommy's belly was really big, because baby James was in there? Well, he's here now, see." She says "Ya!! But, Mommy... your belly is still big." Oh that girl. She kissed him and fell in love immediately.

I remained on the oxytocin for about 6 hrs. after he was born. When you have a big baby, you're chances of hemorrhaging are greater. So, every two hours I got tummy checks and baby James got his sugars checked. Everything was great, perfect. He started nursing well right from the beginning (thank you, God).

Such an amazing experience, and I am so grateful for the midwives I had. I'm so glad and proud of myself that I went through with a natural childbirth. How many people can say that nowadays? When medicine and intervention is so common. It is so worth it to feel your baby coming into the world. Leah's birth story will be coming soon, the details aren't as fresh in my mind as James's are.


No matter how your baby comes into the world, its truly amazing and a gift, a blessing. A life-changing experience that you won't ever forget. But coming from someone whose experienced and epidural birth and a natural birth, in all honesty, it is so much worth it to go natural. The healing process is unbelievably faster. Things work better 'down there' with a natural birth. And this is coming from someone who gave birth to an almost 10lb baby naturally. You heal better! Labor can seem so long and pushing can seem so long, and usually with your first baby labor tends to be longer, and pushing longer. But when you look back it seems like it was over in a flash. All I'm saying is, educate yourself. Don't be naïve. This is life, and this is what God created our bodies to do.

A friend wrote to me a quote: “Remember this, for it is as true as true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic.” - Ina May

There's something in the air...

Christmas. Its the season. There's something about Christmas (okay, everything about Christmas) that makes my insides all warm and gooey. But why? Why does Christmas make anyone warm and gooey?
 

You order a coffee and recieve that first Christmasy cup. Or the slight excitement of waking up and seeing that beautiful cold, white snow sprinkled on the ground. Hearing your first christmas song of the year, and feeling that warm child-like joy rise up in you. Freezing your hiney off at a Christmas parade. Or getting the tree up, decorated, plugged in, twinkling. Candles burning. Wind howling. Curled up on the sofa under the warmest blanket.
 

Joy.
 

Family gatherings and turkey galore. Poinsettias and gingerbread houses. The box of chocolates sitting on the table. Laughing, smiling. Love. Real joy and gratitude. Because it's Christmastime.

The day we celebrate the birth of our Saviour and Lord. Jesus. Who came into this world just as every other person does. As a baby. Soft and squishy and cuddly and beautiful and innocent. Except He was perfect and without sin. A baby who grew to love us so much more in return. Love us so extremely He ended His life for us. He choosingly suffered on the cross so that we might live forever with him. He brought a man back from the dead! He could have very well gotten himself down from where he was nailed. But he didn't. And he didn't for us. And that's love, true love, real love - the realest of real.
 

He is the reason for the season.
 

Join me in my very own photo-a-day challenge for December. And keep Jesus in the season. The way it should be.

Big Changes and Little Goals - Part 1

We're going all change-crazy over here. Lifestyle change-crazy. At least, I am.

Change number one? Faith. We're just trying to have more of a faith-based lifestyle. I want God to be on my children's mind's everyday. I want them to be thinking about Christ and His sacrifice. His free gift to us. I want gratitude in their lives. I want a clear perspective for them. And I want us to take this journey together. I don't need to know everything about the Bible to teach my children. We just need a heart for God and that hunger to learn.

Two days ago Leah and I started to read together a book called The Lamb by John R. Cross, gifted to her from a very dear friend who is now a missionary working in Africa. We read a chapter a day and then answer the questions that follow. Surprisingly she sits and listens very well, and knows most all the answers to the questions. Which, obviously, makes my mommy-heart all warm and gooey. We also have a DVD with a few Bible stories on it that she really enjoys.

As for me, I've made a goal to read the Bible in 90 days (or less). And no, I'm not starting with Genesis. That long, first book of the Bible that so many people start with but never seem to get through. I started quite randomly with Amos. Mostly because my Bible app told me too with that reading plan, so I just went with it. I'm farther ahead of my reading plan than the app is, so I am hoping to keep it that way.
Next week a friend and I will be starting Beth Moore's women's study on the book of Esther. I'm super excited about that, I've heard great things about her studies!

I'm so eager to learn more and dig deeper into God's Word. And I get to do it with my daughter as well. I can't wait to see the changes this will bring for us and our relationship. My heart is just so happy.

Change number two? ... Diet. But that's in Part 2. So stay tuned. :)